Recurring thoughts of my mother, the grief of losing a parent, and her passing are keeping me up at night. Thanks to therapy and research, I’m realizing I’m not an anomaly. Can mental health affect your physical health? ABSOLUTELY.
What you see in the picture above has two purposes. Yes I’m pretty, lol. But remembering moments from this picture is a tool I’m using to try to get back to sleep and rest from anxiety. I have insomnia from grief.
I’m combatting recurring thoughts of sadness, with recurring thoughts of precious moments when I’m up in the middle of the night. Instead of focusing on the anxious tug at my chest due to deep grief, I look at pictures, watch videos, or think about what she would tell me to comfort me at the moment.
This also shows you not to compare your insides to another person’s outsides. Many times we see posts on social media and think wow, they are really doing great at healing, or whatever xyz thing you use to compare yourself to other people. Pretty pictures, good times had, beautiful smiles, happiness, joy, and so on. While I’m finding healing in these things, what you don’t see is the tiredness and exhaustion I feel more times than not from mourning just 3 months after this pic was taken.
For the pic above, I see life, beauty, and now grief. Read to the end and you’ll understand the meaning of this moment, a picture my mom took of me.
At the moment life and grief have turned into waking up most nights. Grief insomnia is the body and brain’s inability to create quality sleep due to stress, worry, or anxiety. I have some insomnia but insomnia does not have me. As I lay here on my best friend’s beautiful, comfy couch that could put anyone in a deep sleep, I’m pushing through exhaustion of tossing and turning last night. What grief induced insomnia looks like for me is laying down for bed, sometimes getting right to sleep. But often, whether it be immediately or in the middle of the night, I’m jolted up remembering that she’s no longer here. As soon as I doze back off, my mind jolts me again with thoughts of her being gone, which leads to more tears and more thoughts of sadness. I cry silently not wanting to wake my husband. And then it happens again, and again.
Eventually I get a few hours of sleep but wake up exhausted with a brain full of fog. Still needing to take on my day. Grief and loss have stages. This one isn’t fun.
This is why I’m so thankful for therapy and time away from work. I could not fathom the idea working 8 straight hours a day, 5 days a week at the moment. I’m thankful to my employer for time off for my mental health needs. With insomnia, it makes the need for mental health support very real, and very sacred.
What I can do is look ahead to hope. I can take joy in the things I was already working to accomplish in my personal life, a few hours at a time, a few days a week. My lifestyle in Seattle is still mine, it just looks a little different now.
In my last post I talked about questions in self discovery. For my self discovery, I’m asking what grief means (to me), who is T. Love, and what is life? Heavy questions right?
This is weekly therapy, this is exercise, this is being thankful for my husband’s comfort and continued leadership to build our businesses, this is hangouts with ones that support me, going to some events, and getting out on the time when I’m up to it. This is LIFE.
What you see in the first pic and one below, are me and my mother getting our makeup done by Blush by Bibi here in Seattle. Why? My husband and I were preparing for our first Sync Seattle networking mixer, a community group we’re building to foster connectedness for Black Seattle while supporting local Black-led nonprofits. My parents were in town for our first event and truly stole the show that night. Having my parents there for our first event will forever be the foundation that all Sync Seattle is.
Looking at the shared iPhone album between me and my mom with videos of the day is helping me overcome the tiredness from insomnia this morning, bringing joy to tackle the day ahead.
If you’re struggling with insomnia or any other grief-related mental issue, I highly encourage you to seek therapy. I found mine on Psychology today. And if you’re not ready to take that step, follow authentic therapist influencers like Kier Gaines, Needra Tawaab, and Therapy for Black Girls. Talk to someone you trust about how you’re feeling. Check out this site and this site to help overcome insomnia like I’m working to do.
I sought grief support through Zola, and for the last 6 weeks we repeat these affirmations at the end of each session.
- May I be Happy
- May I be healthy
- May I be free of suffering
- May I live in Peace
- May my life be Blessed with ease
Next is cultivating a night time routine. Putting the phone down an hour before bed, actually using my beautiful diffuser, reading or journaling, praying for peace, then working to drift off and STAY sleep. But for now, I’ll take it in that joy is here, no matter how tired I am. I love and miss you mommy!
I didn’t even see the connection between my insomnia and grief ! I was just telling my therapist that I was unsure if I was even going through the grief process or avoiding it altogether. And yet I’m up for 24-36 hours at a time. I guess grief doesn’t look like what I assumed. This loss is very different from others so I guess it’s only right that my grief would look different. Great read !
it’s crazy how the mind and body are SO connected. and you’re right, this hits different. on 100000. but we must take it moment by moment. putting the phone down an hour before bed was harder than I thought lol, but on nights where I do it, my brain quiets a bit more. sending you all the restful vibes!
This is an amazing read and journey to witness. In grief we feel alone, even with a 100 hundred people close. Grief insomnia is real. I found myself turning my grief into joy by creating gift baskets with the lord of my mother. This new found hobby saved me! It allowed me to put my phone down, and bless others in my “sad” place. Being vulnerable is a gift that I am thankful you are sharing this present. You are so brave line the woman who created you!
Loss*
thank you for these kind, kind words. I loved that you created art from pain. This encourages me to give something creative a try. thank you for sharing and your encouraging words. 🙂
I truly love your blog it’s raw and real. I love the positive outlook your experiencing to becoming a better healthier you in the midst of grief and insomnia which I suffer from just the same. I’m not there yet but look forward to taking baby step with some of your life lessons. Thank you Lord for using Tanise in such a time as this.
you and only you know what you mean to me. We are in this together. moment by moment. love you!!!
I love this and you. I applaud you and am utterly impressed by you sista/cuzin! One day I hope to get there and out of this totmemting space. Kerp up yhr good eork!
thank you so much sister cousin! love you endlessly. take your time. moment by moment.